From Courage to Change of February 04;
Sometimes when I’m unhappy with my situation, I feel that God is punishing me. Once again I’ve lost my image of a loving God and need to recover it.
It helps to call my Sponsor, who reminds me that God is not a terrorist. I read Al-Anon literature and go to extra meetings. Mostly I walk beside the river and talk with God about how afraid I am. I watch the water and thank God for the good things in my life: Al-Anon recovery, the gift of the Twelve Steps, creativity and the joy I have in expressing it, my loving Al-Anon family. After I’ve talked it through, I sit and wait until I feel God’s healing touch reassuring me, drying my tears.
The funny thing is that, after I’m through those hard times, I never truly remember the pain. What I remember is the sunshine on the water, the peace of the moment, the love of my Higher Power wrapping around me as tangibly as the sunshine. The pain is gone, but the increased trust in my Higher Power remains.
When faced with difficult or painful situations, I can remember that a loving God is always there for me, always available as a source of comfort, guidance, and peace.
“No one is alone if they’ve come to believe in a Power greater than themselves.” — Sponsorship – What It’s All About
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What is God, really? So invisible and so all pervasive; seducing us to search, to grapple, to hunger for more. God is the ultimate “not enough” of my life. For one so afflicted with addiction within and without, I image that is a statement of worship. Gomu, I want more, always more. It sometimes feels like my spiritual neediness drives the Infinite One away to get some I AM time.
Where are you? An Entity cloaked in plausible deniability. Our relationship is vulnerable to the vultures of lazy skepticism in my mind. How is that possible? I want to know and be known and You are the only one who can answer that need in its most absolute terms. Is it any wonder that the greatest hope in human intimacy is to discover You hiding in glistening eyes, excited to be found out, and disappointed when we struggling mortals are only ourselves?
If I surrender, will I have You? Every moment your presence has flashed or fluttered into my speculative interaction, I value. I remember and cling. I do not really know how to love you. The closest thing I can render is hunger and manipulation. For you see, I am human. Teach me to be the something more I desire from you. Something beyond the flesh that you are able to embrace.
Make U/us real.