Endigar 571 ~ Fixing Me, Not You

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 30, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 10;

If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90)

What a freedom I felt when this passage was pointed out to me! Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them. I believe that there are no exceptions to the axiom. When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered. I must keep reminding myself that I am human, that I am doing the best I can, even when that best is sometimes poor. So I ask God to remove my anger and truly set me free.





This is not a call to become a Vulcan (Live Long and Prosper) by purging ourselves of all emotional responses.  Anger is natural and may serve a purpose to warn us of changes that need to take place in our approach to life.  I think what the 12 & 12 is identifying as wrong is a seething, festering anger that corrodes the resistance to impulsive, reactive living.  When anger comes, I need to use the steps to process it.  I must insure that it is an event and not a lifestyle.

Endigar 570 ~ A Spiritual Axiom

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 30, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 9;

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90)

I never truly understood the Tenth Step’s spiritual axiom until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors’ disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at peace with myself, I was able to accept the situation—dogs will bark—and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person’s spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside,not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.





It is dangerous to stay in my head when I am disturbed.  Ruminating over my depressive feelings entraps me.  The alcoholic disease wraps around the paralysis of analysis.  I hope that I can let the disturbance signal that action needs to be taken.   I embrace the pragmatic and progressive morality of AA rather than the damning pursuit of perfectionism.  Recognizing that my disturbance is a warning flag for internal issues is a very useful spiritual axiom.

IMAGE FROM: [ http://www.thehorrordome.com/ ]

Endigar 569 ~ Daily Inventory

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 28, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 8;

. . . and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

I was beginning to approach my new life of sobriety with unaccustomed enthusiasm. New friends were cropping up and some of my battered friendships had begun to be repaired. Life was exciting, and I even began to enjoy my work, becoming so bold as to issue a report on the lack of proper care for some of our clients. One day a co-worker informed me that my boss was really sore because a complaint, submitted over his head, had caused him much discomfort at the hands of his superiors. I knew that my report had created the problem, and began to feel responsible for my boss’s difficulty. In discussing the affair, my co-worker tried to reassure me that an apology was not necessary, but I soon became convinced that I had to do something, regardless of how it might turn out. When I approached my boss and owned up to my hand in his difficulties, he was surprised. But unexpected things came out of our encounter, and my boss and I were able to agree to interact more directly and effectively in the future.





I have some problems with the contributor’s story.  I do not see anything about him talking to others in the recovery network, nor do I read anything about talking to his sponsor, nor anything about prayer and meditation.  It sounds like he made the decision to issue the report and the decision to apologize both in isolation.  If he has a problem with a broken guilt-a-meter from co-dependence or some sort of family abuse, his apology might have been a fear response.  The one person he did talk to, a co-worker, advised him not to apologize.  His boss was taking heat probably because there was some validity to the report.  There was a lack of proper care for some of their clients.  If the boss was part of the problem, going to him to interact directly might not be the best course of action.

I think this points out that we need to talk to Gomu (God of our understanding) and others in the recovery network when we are considering the need for an amends as a result of our daily inventory.  I think to “promptly admit” our confirmed wrong does not mean to impulsively take action without counsel.  It simply means to be proactive in facing the issue.

Endigar 568 ~ Daily Monitoring

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 28, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 7;

Continued to take personal inventory. . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88)

The spiritual axiom referred to in the Tenth Step—”every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us“—also tells me that there are no exceptions to it. No matter how unreasonable others may seem, I am responsible for not reacting negatively. Regardless of what is happening around me I will always have the prerogative, and the responsibility, of choosing what happens within me. I am the creator of my own reality.

When I take my daily inventory, I know that I must stop judging others. If I judge others, I am probably judging myself. Whoever is upsetting me most is my best teacher. I have much to learn from him or her, and in my heart, I should thank that person.





This may help me establish a more effective 10th step inventory.  If I carry with me a notepad, and write down every time I am disturbed in any way, from inner anxiety to  outward judgement, I can have a memory back-up and begin a specific analysis of my internal struggle and where I need change.  If something goes really well, I can also write that down as something to sustain.  I now have some spiritual meat hooks which is a metaphor for a pragmatic expression of spiritual encouragement.

Endigar 567 ~ Facing Ourselves

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 6;

. . . and Fear says, “You dare not look!”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 49)

How often I avoided a task in my drinking days just because it appeared so large! Is it any wonder, even if I have been sober for some time, that I will act that same way when faced with what appears to be a monumental job, such as a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself? What I discover after I have arrived at the other side—when my inventory is completed—is that the illusion was greater than the reality. The fear of facing myself kept me at a standstill and, until I became willing to put pencil to paper, I was arresting my growth based on an intangible.




me - Me

How much of my reality is a mirror of my own self-awareness.  My attitude toward God improves with my improved attitude to Myself.  My emotional response to other people are about my emotions toward myself.  My integrity in outward communication is a reflection of my fearless inward communication.  My acceptance of life on life’s terms reflects the level of acceptance I have allowed for my own humanity.  The most powerful thing I can do is face my way of living and seek spiritual progress, and let that reflect into the world around me.

Endigar 566 ~ Yesterday’s Baggage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 25, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 5;

For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88)

I have more than enough to handle today, without dragging along yesterday’s baggage too. I must balance today’s books, if I am to have a chance tomorrow. So I ask myself if I have erred and how I can avoid repeating that particular behavior. Did I hurt anyone, did I help anyone, and why? Some of today is bound to spill over into tomorrow, but most of it need not if I make an honest daily inventory.




Vintage Still Life

This is straightforward encouragement to establish and maintain the daily moral inventory.  This is a task were Gomu (God of my understanding) stands back, and lets me practicing being a God-embryo.  It will not and cannot be done for me.  Every time I do it, it is recorded within me that my emotional stability and spiritual sobriety are important to me.  When I neglect it, some catalyzing pain is on its way to help me.  If I embrace life as one big ball of futility completely out of my control, I may surrender to alcoholic oblivion.  Finding my part in the ugly things that have happened in my life is a necessary skill for unshackling my life from them.  Finding my part to play in recovery is a necessary skill for building an effective and meaningful life.

Endigar 565 ~ A Necessary Pruning

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 25, 2014 by endigar

From the Daily Reflections of October 4;

. . . we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 94)

I love spending time in my garden feeding and pruning my beautiful flowers. One day, as I was busily snipping away, a neighbor stopped by. She commented, “Oh! Your plants are so beautiful, it seems such a shame to cut them back.” I replied, “I know how you feel, but the excess must be removed so they can grow stronger and healthier.” Later I thought that perhaps my plants feel pain, but God and I know it’s part of the plan and I’ve seen the results. I was quickly reminded of my precious A.A. program and how we all grow through pain. I ask God to prune me when it’s time, so I can grow.





And we return to the catalyst effect of pain.  I have often thought that once we become adults, we simply do not grow without pain instigating it and being apart of the process.  I suppose that may be why alcoholics tend to be stunted in their maturity.  We have used alcohol to numb the pain.  We achieve without the inner stability and fortitude to steward those achievements and their associated relationships.  Yet I should avoid the deliberate manufacture of pain, for that is often the disease attempting to justify itself as a solution.  Let life schedule the events and God take control of the results.  I focus on working the tasks that are apart of recovery.  When the pain comes, I work through it, or with it?  This seems to be the life of spiritual empowerment.  I am the plant accepting the painful pruning from Gomu(God of my understanding) who really loves this recovery nursery.


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